do-it-yourself jane
by clairebare
Summary: all anyone wants for christmas. adult without being the slightest bit mature
1. Chapter 1

This year, many of my readers have asked me about my Patrick Jane.

Yes, he is indeed one of the original Janes that came on the market in 2008. I've received many compliments on him and many requests for information about where he can be purchased.

After a bit of research, I am sad to report that after they made the original Janes, they broke the mold. A worker in the factory donned roller blades, picked up the mold and skated over banana peels while carrying it. It was a terrible loss to us all.

So as a special Christmas gift to my readers, I am pleased to make available free instructions on how to make your own Jane from readily available parts.

Order online, a 5'10" male form, smoothly muscled. Do not get the ripped version or you will wind up with Hugh Jackman and no one wants that.

Skin color should be top quality extra pale tan. Customer service at most companies will steer you toward pale ivory or pale beige when you tell them you're creating a blond but believe me, they can't hope to understand what you're going for. Just be polite and get the extra pale tan.

From a high-end head maker, order a head in small/medium. Specify a razor jaw and protuberant cheekbones.

Order a first quality classic male nose separately as you are going to customize it yourself before you attach it to the head. Don't worry, it's easy.

From a reputable eye manufacturer, get one pair of small male eyes in blue-green. Most of these companies will also stock eyebrows - specify blond thick arched, and eyelids - specify large extra-droopy. Once again, a know-it-all customer service rep may urge you to get normal lids, insisting that you're not going to be happy with small eyes with big droopy lids. Tell them, au contraire, Pierre, and go with droopy.

When it comes to the perfect mouth for your Jane, don't skimp. Jane certainly didn't. Order a generous 6" plump with slightly curled upper lip. Or as some manufacturers call it, a wide duck mouth. Order the mouth with 32 white square-ish teeth.

Order 8 skeins of curly hair. 4 golden blond, 2 baby blond, and 2 light blond. This is twice as much hair as most websites recommend to cover a head, but you're going to need every bit of it. You'll also need a crochet hook size .6 mm/usa 14. If you have a willing friend (maybe you can get her to help you attach all that hair by offering to let her borrow your Jane), get two crochet hooks.

If there's one area where you'll really want to splash out, it's in the privates area. Though I don't like to recommend brand names, in this case, you owe it to yourself to order from the Baker family of Australia. Email them and tell them what you're using the privates for and they'll make sure the perfect ones are on their way to you by the next post. The Bakers are also the folks to order your buttocks from. Order them in pert. Tempting as it may be, do not order extra pert. It will look weird.

Once you have all your parts, set aside a clean worktable in a well-lit space such as a finished basement or a rec room. Have on hand a blow dryer, glue gun, small chisel, mallet or meat pounder, tube of lip balm, body moisturizer and a broom for clean up.

First, attach hair to head. Take 4-strand sections mixing from all 3 colors (golden blond, baby blond, and light blond.) Be patient. Work carefully until you've used all 8 skeins of hair.

Using glue gun, attach droopy lids to small blue-green eyes. When dry, glue eyes and lids into head. Glue on blond thick arched brows.

With chisel, make tiny chip on bottom of right front tooth. Attach teeth to head using the manufacturer's instructions. Remove duck mouth from its package, smooth on layer of lip balm, glue to head.

Carefully place nose, tip facing up, on work surface. Use mallet or meat pounder to lightly whack nose. You're not looking to break it, just to give it a bit of character.

Glue nose to head.

Glue head to body.

Use blow-dryer to slightly heat hands on body. When fingers are warm, quickly pull each one to slightly elongate and taper it. You'll be amazed at how this little trick does so much to enhance your Jane.

Remove privates and buttocks from bubble wrap. Handling as little as possibly (plenty of time for that), glue privates in place. Glue buttocks in place.

While your Jane dries, take a moment to clean your workspace using your broom.

Lastly, spread a generous amount of body moisturizer on your hands and gently massage all over your Jane. Do this every few days to keep him supple.

There you have it, your very own Jane.

Happy Holidays.


	2. Chapter 2

Now that you've assembled your Jane, it's time to style him to make him the Jane you want him to be.

If he is a "Behind Closed Doors Jane," you can skip the wardrobe entirely or get him a t-shirt and pajama pants just to preserve the mystique.

If he is a "Basic Jane," he will need a three-piece suit, crisp blue shirt, beat-up shoes and a wedding band. Hair should be longish and untamed in a British schoolboy way.

If he is a "Tortured Jane," just roll the suit and shirt into a ball and leave them in a moist locker room or dungeon for a week or so. Hair should be medium length with a generous amount of pomade in it for that lank look. Tortured Jane should have three day's stubble.

If he is a "Fugue Jane," give him the same wardrobe as the "Basic Jane" just adjust his duck mouth so it leers slightly.

If he is a "Psychic Jane," he'll need a shiny platinum grey suit, a white shirt and a solid blue silk tie. Hair should be generously gelled and worn combed straight back.

Psychic Jane wears a wedding band and is clean shaven.

If he is a "Las Vegas Jane," put aside the vest from the three piece suit. Roll the jacket and pants and shirt in a ball and leave them in a smoky bar for six months. Leave the shirt untucked. Hair should have a center part. Las Vegas Jane should have a week's stubble.

If he is a "Fresh From The Asylum Jane," roll a striped cotton shirt and casual pants into a ball and leave them in a pharmaceutical storage cabinet for six months or so. Asylum Jane's eyes should slightly pop out of their sockets and dart back and forth. Hair should have a center part.

If he is "Brand New Jane," roll a jacket, pants and light print shirt (no epaulets) into a ball, roll them in sand and Bain de Soleil and leave them in a prison cell for three months. No socks. Shirt should be untucked. Hair should be slightly bleached. There are many fine at-home coloring products that will give you the highlights you're looking for. This Jane should have a beard. Wedding band should still be very visible. New Jane should also have a sarong for special occasions.

And there you have it, those little touches that will make your Jane what you've always dreamed he would be.

Happy new year.


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